Department of Defense Contractor Arrested and Charged With Improper Disposal of Classified Materials...

(Humor Fiction)
Fri Apr 24, 2008 3:15pm EST

Department of Defense Contractor Arrested and Charged With Improper Disposal of Classified Materials

The Individual Believed to Have Worked Alone

CHARLESTON, Apr. 24 /BSNewswire-FUBARNewswire/ --- A Department of Defense
contractor was arrested in Charleston SC on Apr. 24, 2008, and charged with
improperly disposing of U.S. Department of Defense (DOD)classified materials, the Department of Justice announced today. The individual is believed to have acted alone in an ongoing conspiracy to subvert critical elements of national security.


In a fifteen-count indictment returned on Apr. 1, 2008, and unsealed today in
U.S. District Court in Atlanta, Bubba McJunkin was charged with eating, over a period of five years, an estimated 1500 documents classified confidential and top secret. McJunkin then allegedly excreted the documents in an unclassified toilet.


"This case demonstrates that the DOJ will aggressively investigate and prosecute any who attempt to derail the efforts of the Department of Defense to keep the nation's secret. It is not so much that McJunkin consumed the documents in question but that he, with open disregard for his responsibility to his nation, went in an unsecured toilet. The DoD provides clear guidance on the proper use of high flow composting toilets that completely obliterate any readable material in the fecal matter," said Thomas L. Bland, Assistant Attorney General.


According to the indictment, McJunkin conspired to flush the nation's secrets into an unsecured sewer where Al Qaeda could easily retrieve them.

"Investigating corruption and unsecured toilet practices within the Defense Department is a priority for the Defense Criminal Investigative Service (DCIS), and this case demonstrates that DCIS will expend the resources to investigate these sorts of allegations, no matter how anal it makes us seem," said Ignatius Patrick Freely, Special Agent in Charge for DCIs.




This indictment is an example of the Department's commitment to protect U.S.
from it's ever present enemies by keeping a tight reign on the bowels of those with access to privileged information. The National Defecation Leakage Prevention Initiative announced in October 2004 is designed to promote the early detection, identification, prevention and prosecution of improperly flushed document laced feces.


The investigation is being conducted by the Freedom Plotz Division's National
Criminal Enforcement Section and the Defense Criminal Investigative Service.
Anyone with information concerning illegal conduct in the passing and flushing document laden turds by DOD employees is urged to call the National Criminal Enforcement Section of the Freedom Plotz Division at 202-119-5555.